July 15, 2008

I’m Coming Out.

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:47 pm by LG

No, I’m not a lesbian. And I don’t mean to diminish one’s act of publicly acknowledging his or her homosexuality by using the phrase “coming out” to describe my personal revelation. But as I sat down to write, the phrase “I’m Coming Out” was the only thing that, well, came out. Along with Pink’s lyrics, of course.

In all seriousness, it has recently occurred to me that I may be going through a similar experience as my gay friends who had to endure the often painful process of coming out to family and friends. And I think that’s why I’ve been away (from blogging) for a while. Let me, briefly, explain.

I started this blog for many reasons, the most important of which was (and is) to learn about myself and make a commitment not to abandon myself. Of course it’s been *super* fun to reconnect with people through this blog and keep family and friends informed of all my recent (mis?)happenings. And I plan to continue as I journey to the west. But, at the risk of sounding sickeningly cliche, the journey that is most crucial to me at this point is the one within. This journey is not always pretty. In fact, it can be downright ugly, dark, terrifying, mean, hateful, and angry. But it is honest and so far I haven’t completely turned away.

I got caught up a bit in the blog, however. You see, I have this problem. I like to please people. And man, I’m good at it. Somehow, I learned early on to quickly evaluate what makes another person happy (with respect to me): do you want me to be smart, stupid, pretty, ugly, funny, attentive, hard to get, feminine, tomboy-ish? I can tap dance like you wouldn’t believe. Ta-da! Whatever it takes to make sure you like me. The reason? Well, turns out (thanks Judy) that for most of my life, the only way I knew how to value myself was by seeing myself through others’ eyes. So, I was always desperate for you to like me – ’cause if you didn’t like me (and you thought that I was an intellectual snob, or pathetically stupid, or self-centered, or a dull wallflower, or cold, or a tease), then I didn’t like me either.

I’ve come a long way though, baby, and I’m learning to like myself a lot more – “uglies” and all. A lot of it I’m still working on – of course. But some of it (like, the “inner bitch” I’ve been instructed to embrace) is actually really freakin’ great. I call her J-Lo. She’s my girl.

One area where I’ve started to get to know and reveal myself more than others has been through my blog – because, again, this was intended for me, by me. Here, I’ve expressed more of myself. I’ve revealed a bit of my complexity. I’ve become more than the one-dimensional “I’ll whistle any tune you want as long as you like me” Little Girl. In other words, I’ve started to come out.

To get back to my comparison, I read the following on a gay/lesbian resource page:

Coming Out to parents and family is a very difficult process. In part, it is about you. You are sharing something very personal with people you love. This makes it a time when you could become closer and more attached, but it also carries the risk of rejection and pain. Coming Out is also about others. This is a time when family who may have “seen the signs” but ignored them must admit this to themselves.

Now, you may find this funny, but this statement — describing “coming out” as it relates to homosexuality — also applies directly to my situation. My coming out has been difficult. I’ve finally tired of trying to be the person that (I believe) everyone wants me to be (and it’s a different me for everyone) and I’m striving to be the person who I actually am! And it hasn’t been without resistance. Through the blog, particularly, those who are close to me are seeing/reading thoughts or opinions of mine that maybe they aren’t used to. (Or maybe they saw the signs long ago that I am an independent thinker but now must admit this to themselves!) I’ve gotten several comments ranging from – “Man, LG, when did you become so angry?” to “Hey, LG, I wouldn’t share your blog with any guy you’re interested in dating; he may be turned off by the ranting.” to “Um, LG, you really need to get a life.”

And although I was expecting (as I was warned) to get all kinds of comments and feedback from the public, I think those who are most “disturbed” by my journey are those who are closest to me….and, interestingly, most of these “concerned” comments come from male readers.

So, I had to take a bit of a break because I felt myself slip back into tap dance mode. I heard those comments to mean: “LG, it’s unattractive that you are a complex woman and have thoughts and feelings about the world and the way it works; you should be ashamed.” And, momentarily, I was. And I felt nervous and scared that the real me isn’t going to be liked by anyone. But then I realized I was wrong: if by no one else, she will be liked by me.

So, I’m back; better (and worse!) than ever. But it’s me. All of me. And, I’m not asking you, World, to pat my back along the way, or agree with the things I say (indeed, I enjoy and invite debate and discussion!) In fact, I’m not asking anything of you, World. I’m just giving a notification. I cannot write for you. I will not write for you. I’m going to keep writing for me.

In short: I’m coming out….so you better get this party started.

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13 Comments »

  1. Laurie said,

    Finally…..

  2. Jen said,

    Yay! Does this mean I can look forward to more frequent posts? Because I’ve missed them!

  3. Mom/2 said,

    Hey girl. Jennifer, Jen, Jo-L, Little Girl, Good Girl, Bad Girl, Come on out any or all combination of you……You’ve been in my heart since you were 7 and will be there….always…….no blog, no comment, no change, no realizations will change that. Much love.

  4. Jen said,

    i’m so glad you’ve found an authentic voice here, LG – this is me breathing a sigh of relief because i was missing your posts!

    oh and fuck any dude who can’t take it in print – you know they couldn’t handle the real thing anyway.

  5. Nothing else to say but…

    Hearts all over the world.

  6. Southern Aunt said,

    Glad to see you back. I missed you, LG.

  7. Tiffany said,

    Coming out or staying in, I’m so glad to read a new post from you! March on, little girl… ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Emily said,

    Oh LG, as a fellow “pleaser” I am SO DAMN PROUD of you for being true and speaking out. I love you and LOVE your inner bitch more than you know.

  9. Anonymous said,

    You never please me.

  10. Emily said,

    LG, I want you to know that you have given me the power to speak out on and quit pretending to be something I am not with the inlaw family. I am FULLY unleashing my inner bitch. You brought those feelings back for me and by doing so gave me the courage to be honest and true to myself and finally just be me and say all the crap that has been sitting in my head and on my shoulders for eight years.
    Check my blog in a few days for the carnage.
    I love you and thank you.
    Emily

  11. Tricia said,

    Hi LG, I – like so many others – am glad to get some new juice on you in the blog. I was worried we wouldn’t get an insider’s perspective to the fun, exciting, scary transition coming up! So glad you’re back. Love, Tricia

  12. Mitter said,

    F*#% those comments. You sound like one of the coolest women I know. Brought me to tears actually – sounds all too familiar!!! I am so happy for you. It’s tough isn’t it? Figuring out who the hell we really are? Too bad we had to go through what we went through in order to do so, but whatever it takes. Doesn’t it feel sooooo good to be “out”? I’ve never been happier. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Keep going, don’t give up – it only gets better….I promise!!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  13. […] in Uncategorized at 9:14 pm by Little Girl Even though I’ve come out, I’m still failing in my efforts to write more. I did, however, spend two hours trying to […]


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